Confronting Mortality

It was always something that left me filled with fear.

I first realized it as a child and spent years confronting the cruel fact in my dreams.
Then...it all stopped. Did I forget about it? Maybe. I really don't know.

Then one day when I was in my mid-20s, it hit me again. I grew scared the same way I did when I was a child. And once again, it became something that haunted me for a few years.
And then...it all stopped.

A year ago, it came back again. But this time, it wasn't a daydream or a sleep dream. It wasn't a thought.

It was real.

A question to my doctor became a two week nightmare. I described strange ongoings in my body and immediately it became a "cancer" possibility.

I didn't really comprehend it at first. I guess that is how I respond when I'm in shock.
But after a few days, I was a wreck inside. I was scared shitless...and I was alone.

My world had been turned upside down just a few months before. Reality was cruel. It was dark. It was ugly. Now there was a chance that it was all going to end.

What hadn't I done? Where hadn't I gone? What was left to achieve?

Who was I? So many fucking questions.

And then...the waiting. You would think that if there was a chance that a person had a fatal disease that they would get the necessary tests right away. But no. It's easy to get your oil changed. But if you want an ultrasound, you have to wait.

A week and half later, it was time to find out the truth. On my way to the test, I stopped and ate two big macs. I would have loved to wash them down with a bottle of cheap vodka...but I had to go back to work after finding out my immediate fate.

And then just an hour later, I was laying on a cold metal slab. A machine was touching my skin to see if there was any sign of the disease in my body. I always thought that my experience with an ultrasound would be to determine the health of my unborn child...not my mortality.

It turned out to be nothing more then a side effect from one of the prescriptions I was taking.
For a time, there were 5 magic pills that helped me regain my balance after the collapse of my marriage. One of them made a doctor think that I might be really sick.

Nothing like a prescribed remedy that makes a medical proffesional assume you might be dying.

Needless to say, my opinion of medicine is forever changed. I definitely think twice before I head to the pharmacy for anything other then NyQuill. So many side effects. The stuff helps with one problem...but creates two new ones? Is that really how medicine is supposed to work?

My opinion also changed about life and death. And not the way I would have assumed that it would. I didn't attack my days with a new found desire to achieve. I didn't run after the goals at a faster pace. I didn't even quit smoking.

We are all going to die. No matter what you eat. No matter how much you exercise. No matter what medicine you take.

Science tries to make us believe that it has ways to extend our days. A diet, a prescription, avoid this, ingest that....and it always changes. There is no formula for success.

All I do now is try to be a little happier each day. If you gotta go...GO WITH A SMILE!

posted by HOOTEE @ 6:12 PM